Saturday, August 2, 2008 ~ Coping

Yesterday was the first day I spent mostly alone since my surgery on July 24.

It was difficult, and I spent the morning weeping uncontrollably. I spoke with my sister last night on the phone, and we both agreed the thing that makes us sad is the permanance of it. She had a hysterectomy several years ago.

It’s odd to have something taken from my body that I’ve carried all my life.  Sigh!

I am not sure what all the sadness was about, but after about twenty minutes I was tired and so I got up off of the couch and went to empty the Bag. Ugh!

I decided after a long hot shower I would go to Taco Time and have a soft beef burrito and then go to the lake for a walk. It was not an ugly day. Not a cloud was in the sky and the wind was a balmy breeze. I took about three bites of the burrito and tossed it. However, Taco Time has this fabulous soft crushed ice for their drinks and I took a large cup filled to the top with ice. I went to the lake and sat on the sand.  I waded in the water.  I watched the ducks.

I was hoping to just get some blood rushing through my muscles to counteract my restless-leg-syndrome. However, I learned from J-Pouch that this could be a result of anemia. Makes sense.

I walked along the path around the lake and stopped occasionally to sit on a bench and read my book.  It was really nice until the sun eventually went behind the clouds and it began to feel downright chilly. I headed back to the car. I had a nice time in spite of myself.

I talked with my sister about coping day to day, and she, like many others reminded me that this is temporary. However, I struggle with that becuase I believe in living fully in the moment. But this moment is not fun! I don’t like this moment, this healing, this recovery, this coping.

So, how do I reconcile?

Distractions help. Walk the lake. What else? Clean the house, make some plans, read good books. Listen to good music. Try not to feel sorry for oneself. Ugh, as me and my sister-in-law discussed one day, it’s really a challenge to stay cheerful. There is alot that simply is not cheerful. But, I am going to try. I will put one foot in front of the other and plug on. There is so much I have to be thankful for:

My husband loves me;
My beautiful daughter adores and cares for me;
I have good insurance coverage;
I have a good job that supports;
People at work genuinely care for me;
I live in a big old funky house that is ours;
House is getting painted and new wiring this summer;
I have terrific friends who will bend over backwards to help me;
My city is magnificent and fun;
I can walk everywhere in my neighborhood and I never have to drive;
I have everything I need;
I know all my neighbors;
Oh, and, I have fabulous legs!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008 ~ Surgery – from : to ;

At first I was devastated.  I have never had a major surgery aside from my bike wreck jaw thingy.  Its like being a failure somehow, my inability to keep it all together, irrational of course.  For all these years, I was able to keep my UC beast happily in remission. Now, not!  How much control did I have, really

Keep that monster asleep and then I could pretend its not even there and that I am actually 100% okay. Most likely, if you have UC, eventually a decision must be made concerning surgery.  How long you dance and sleep with this beast is really not infinite.  I think ten, maybe fifteen years is probably a long time.  Others, its shorter.

I will see Dr. Richard C. Thirlby in one week to discuss the procedure. A date for surgery has not been set.

IAR – Ileoanal Reservoir Procedure is the total removal of the large colon and a smaller colon is re-fashioned using the lower end of the smaller intestine. Thats how you get from colon to semi-colon. I really like the New York Times article I’ve linked to here. Its very hopeful. This surgery was first done in 1978.